Neigh
As I rode on the bus I got lost in the world of my chemical romance and nine-inch nails through my earbuds but I keep getting pulled back by damn potholes. I was looking forward to spending my summer indoors and browsing Tumblr but since my parents are splitting, I was pushed to the side while my idiot parents fight about dumb shit. My mom also said that it would be “good” for me to spend the summer outside on my uncle's farm. Well, what the fuck does she know anyways? Fuck you, mom. Fucking whore. I bet I’ll get a new stepdad in a few weeks and he’ll leave your sorry ass when he discovers that he married a whore. After a few hours and losing my Wi-Fi connection, I finally arrived at my uncle’s… “Farm”. It just looked like a rickety old ass shack with barbed wire around it. I thought I got lost and was at a historical site but no I was in red neck heaven. I got off the bus and walked across the dirt path to the porch to find my uncle sitting on a rocking chair. “Catch any raccoons lately?” “No… raccoon season isn’t for another few months.” He said with a straight face. I honestly didn’t expect a real answer from him. Turns out he looked and acted crazy with his stereotypical hay sticking out of his mouth. “Come inside,” he said standing up, “We got your room set up.” My room was rickety as hell. I could see the dirt through the cracks in the wooden floor and the bed had a wire frame with an old quilt and no electricity in sight. “So, what’s the Wi-Fi password?” “No Wi-fi.” “Air conditioning?” “Nope.” “Fuck what century are you in?” “I grew up without electricity,” he said, “I’m sure you’ll be fine. Come out to eat lunch when you’re done unpacking” The rest of the house was just as dated as my room. You could tell someone was in the “house” from how the floor would creak after every step. The table had sandwiches and lemonade laying on it which pissed me off cause I fucking hate lemonade. I already fucking hate this place. I walked into the kitchen and saw one more person I hadn’t been introduced to yet. She was a little kid that I assumed was my cousin because she wouldn’t fucking say a word like okay bitch what you think you’re too good to talk to me??? Ok bitch. Dumb little shit. I better have not been brought here to babysit this little fuck. I ate their shitty food and tried to escape back to my shitty room but this motherfucker had the audacity to grab my fucking sleeve and ask to help him in his dumb fucking field. I wore spare overalls that had so many fucking patches it could be considered a new pair. He didn’t use machinery that would make his life so much fucking easier like every other god damn farmer in the modern age. No, this motherfucker still uses a hoe with a handle that looks like a tree branch he found in the fucking swamp. Because of spite, I did a shit job of hoeing just to give a middle finger to my dumbass uncle. The day wasn’t even over with and I was already done with this shit. I wondered how long it would take me to walk back to society and live in an internet café until I can take a bus home. Preferably to my father’s home. Unlike my mom, he’s pretty cool. He likes Metallica. My uncle wasn’t too happy about my hoeing. “wHaT In TArnATIoN Are yOu doing” he yelled throwing his straw hat on the ground. “Hoeing your fucking dirt field.” “You can’t get shit done hoeing like that!” “I’m sorry,” I said sarcastically, “I’m from the city and the only hoeing we do is on the internet.” “Well then be useful somewhere else and go help your cousin.” I walked to the other side of the field which gave me a better idea of how sad this farm really is. I still didn’t know what the fuck they were farming. There were no animals or plants. All he seemed to want to plant is fucking hay. Like what the fuck are you going to do with all that hay??? It would have made sense if they had any animals but they don’t but I don’t care. The shitty kid kept staring at me which annoyed the shit out of me. there’s a list of things I hate and at the top of that list is (in order) whores (unless they work in my favor), children, and not having access to the internet. So, this is by far the worst time of my life and I wanted to fucking die. Just fucking impale me with your shitty hoe you shitty hoe. “Why are you staring at me?” “You got needles in your ears.” “They’re earrings dumbass. What the fuck are you doing?” “Washing clothes.” “aight,” I said as I sat on a stump next to her. “So, what the fuck is with this place?” “What do you mean?” “There’s no electricity, no Wi-fi, and your grandpa is weird as fuck.” “We just live that way.” “What are you fucking Amish?” “I don’t know what that is.” “I didn’t expect you to. You all seem ignorant. Oh, I’m sorry that word has more than two syllables so you probably don’t understand.” She nodded pretending to know what I said and continued to wash clothes. Dumb bitch. I looked behind us and saw a bunch of trees and so many fucking bushes that I couldn’t see far into it. “What’s in the woods?” “I’m not allowed to go passed the fence.” “Why not? Is there an opossum problem?” “No… monsters.” I busted out in laughter. “Wow, you’re one dumb fucking kid. Monsters don’t exist. The only thing you’d have to worry about are bears and shit.” “Grandpa takes them very seriously. He just doesn’t want us to get hurt.” “Oh really? What kind of monsters does he tell you about?” “They only come out at night but the one he fears most is nåye.” “Nåye? Da fuq is that?” “A beast with a human-like body but it’s not human. It has red eyes, a long face, and is taller than 6 feet (1.8 meters) and craves hay.” “Hay?” “That’s why Grandpa grows it to keep him away.” “Wow, that’s pretty gay mate. You know he just says that shit so you won’t wander off right?” “He only comes out at night. But I’m afraid I might find him and wake him up if I wander into the woods.” “…Pussy.” As the epic alpha male, I am, I stood up to prove to this beta child that I’m no pussy. I stood up and wriggled my way through their shitty fence and stood on the dirt path between the fence and forest. As I got closer, I noticed there were a lot of fucking briars and I was starting to have second thoughts. But it was better than doing farm work so yolo. Sadly, before I could touch the briars my uncle screamed like an autistic child for me to get back into the damn fence. “What the fuck do you want?” “Don’t go beyond the fence!” he yelled. “Could you step back a bit? The county over can hear you.” “I think we’re done for today. Just get back in the damn house.” That motherfucker thought he could punish me by grounding me but he was fucking wrong. I loathed at the idea of not doing work and stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Later that night I foolishly wasted my phone battery looking at saved may mays and watching MLG videos. I think it was battery life well spent but I have two more months of agony to live through until I am saved from this shithole. The next few weeks were just like my first day. I thought it would get better every day but it got fucking worse. I felt like I was in hell. It was okay during the day but at night it was scary as hell. I could hear things outside and the house is so flimsy that a fucking sasquatch could easily kick the house over like a soccer ball. After I stopped helping my uncle his crops improved tremendously. At the end of the day, he would come inside and have dinner with us and tell us folklore by the fireplace while he rocked in his rocking chair. Since I didn’t have my phone anymore, I got as much enjoyment out of his stories as I could. Most of them were about beasts that would roam the woods at night. Which I know he only did it to scare the shitty little kid from sneaking outside. I bet she would want to run away from this shithole but her fear controlled her. Every day was the same bullshit. I helped my uncle in his dumbass field until he was tired of my fuckery. Until one day instead of helping my cousin, I said fuck it and wanted to explore the eerie woods behind the barbed wire. I waited until my uncle wasn’t watching and made my break but that pussy little kid dared to stop me. “Grandpa will be upset if you go near the woods again. I’ll get in trouble if you don’t come back.” “Nah fam I think I know what I’m doing.” I stepped into the briars that my crappy ass boots couldn’t protect my poor shins from but I’m not a little bitch so I kept walking until I found an open field of grass that was far superior than the shitty dirt field despite the used condoms and heroin needles scattered about. It was surprisingly nice out there so I stayed for a while and enjoyed the air that wasn’t dusty. I sat in the field for a good while and was mesmerized by the grass flowing in the breeze. Anyone would have stayed there for hours but I looked around and thought to myself “Welp this is pretty gay,” and made my way back to the farm. As I went through the woods a briar snagged my pant leg and made me fall onto the dirt path. Stupid fucking briars. As I pushed myself up, I noticed something strange in the dirt. There were footprints that looked like horseshoes. I know for a fact there are no farm animals on this farm. I thought it was weird but I didn’t give a fuck so I ignored it and went back to the house. But my uncle started bitching about me leaving the field. Turns out that shitty kid snitched on me and I was pissed. So, I had to teach that little shit that snitches get stitches. Later I waited until it was dark and quiet to teach the little brat a lesson. The floor was creaky as hell so I lost the element of surprise. But I didn’t give a fuck so I walked in like I owned the place but I was met with the barrel of a shotgun to my face. I immediately punched the gun away. “What the fuck is wrong with you? And why the hell do you have a fucking gun?” I yelled. “Grandpa gave me a gun.” “Wow, you are redneck as fuck.” “Why are you in my room?” “To teach you a lesson you little shit! Why the fuck did you tell on me today???” “You went outside of the field. We aren’t allowed outside of the field.” “Well, you don’t have to be a bitch about it. Have you ever been outside of the field before?” “No.” “You’re missing out man. I found some cool shit. Like used condoms, heroin needles, weird footprints-“ “Footprints? What kind?” “They look like horseshoes. I thought you didn’t have animals what the fuck.” “We…don't.” “Wow, that’s pretty creepy. Tell me more or I’ll go exploring.” “Please don’t go outside the field anymore. You’ll die.” “What are you fucking gay? A pussy perhaps? I’m no bitch. Tell me.” “It’s better if you don’t.” “Then I’ll go out and find out myself.” I walked out towards the front door. But was surprised by the fireplace being lit 420. My uncle sat in his rocking chair. “Are you kids done yelling?” “Sorry, Grandpa.” “Da fuq you doin sitting in a dim ass lit room like a psychopath.” “Where do you think you’re going?” “Outside. I found footprints of an animal and I shall train it to be my pet.” “What kind of footprints?” “Horseshoes.” He slammed his fist on a table next to him. “God damn it! This is why we stay in the damn field!” “What are you so bent out of shape for old man?” “You went out in the woods so now he knows there’s a bigger target that he’ll now crave! You fool you’ve doomed us all!” “What the fuck is happening?” “This weather has been cruel to my crops. I thought I could get by with what few I had but now I need double no triple what I would have harvested originally!” “Why do you need so much fucking hay?” “It keeps nåye satisfied and away from us.” The kid said. “Wait nåye is fucking real? What are you high?” “Oh, he’s real alright. He’ll kill us all if we don’t satisfy his hunger for the hay.” “…” I turned away and went to my room. I was done with this bullshit and just went to bed. I want whatever my uncle is smoking. So, I looked around the farm to see if I could find his secret stash. But sadly, my plans were foiled by the little shit following me. “Da fuq do you want?” “Grandpa told me to watch you while he works. What are you doing?” “Looking for magical grass. Do you know where some is?” “No.” “Then you’re useless to me now shoo.” I continued down the field but the little shit followed. “Why are you following me?” “I still have to watch you.” “Fine but don’t get in my way.” We followed the fence until the house was out of sight. As long as I stayed inside the fence the little kid didn’t say shit. I was thinking about going back as my feet started to hurt but I saw something laying on the dirt path on the other side of the fence. I investigated and saw that it was a dead bear. “Oh, look there’s nåye. Turns out to be just a dumb fucking bear.” “nåye isn’t a bear.” “How do you know? Have you seen him?” “No, but I know he’s not a bear.” “I’m going to go poke it with a stick.” I crawled under the fence while the kid was bitching and being annoying. You think I’m going to let a kid tell me what to do? Nah fam I’m not a little bitch boy. When the kid realized I wasn’t going to listen to her bullshit she followed me through the fence. “Can we please go back?” “Nah watch this.” I picked up a stick and started poking at it. I made its mouth move up and down. I mouthed out dumb shit like “Yo I’m a fucking bear whatchu gonna do about it bitch?” but the mouth was so decayed that it became harder to move. So, I had some fun by scaring the kid by yelling as her eyes were fixated on the bear. She fell back and screamed. It was worth it. Know your place bitch. I looked back at the bear and noticed something strange about it. you don’t usually find a dead bear in the middle of a field so I investigated how it might have died. The wounds were weird shapes that a wolf or coyote couldn’t do. the wounds were “u” shaped like horseshoes. Damn the horses out here are violent as fuck. Then I got bored and walked home. Uncle scolded us for wondering off and of course, the little shit told him we went passed the fence. He lost his shit. He rushed us inside and began locking doors and windows. I then realized something very important. Something I should have seen before but I was such a fool to not see it. I hated myself for overlooking it. He wasn’t smoking weed. He was smoking meth. And I wanted some. If I can’t have the internet, I will find drugs and I will take them and entertain myself. We spent the night sleeping in the living room while my uncle looked out the window with a shotgun like some crazy crack head. I was kinda nervous with my crazy uncle having a gun but I also didn’t give a fuck so I went to sleep. The next day the craziest and most outrageous thing happened. Fucking nothing. Nothing happened. We woke up ate breakfast like nothing fucking happened because it did. Fucking wasting my time looking ass. Several weeks passed and my uncle’s crop began to grow. Harvest day was around the corner and my uncle made us help reap the wheat. Let’s get this bread bois. It took a few days but we finally made the field look like it did the day I got here. Which was ummmm 2 months!?!?? What the actual fuck!??! HOW???? How fast does wheat grow WTF???? I’m going to go insane here god damn it. My uncle gave me one job to do and that was to move the hay to a trough he had set up near the woods. He said it was important but he overreacts about dumb shit all the time so I didn’t give a fuck. I stared at the pile of hay and began to wonder why it was so important. I thought long and hard and it finally clicked in my brain. This hay must be the reason my uncle is fucking crazy. The crack head den for the house? The fact that we’re off the grid? The way he acts about dumb shit? That’s right. My uncle was a drug dealer and this was his inventory. And what did I do with the stash of illegal drugs? That’s right. I smoked it. All of it. Ngl it was some good shit. I should get his recipe. He was not happy about me taking his stash. I don’t blame him I would be pissed off if some dumb cunt took my weed but I don’t give a fuuuuck about what that dick thinks. The sun was setting and my uncle was running around closing windows and doors. He made my cousin and I hide under the floorboards which was fucking annoying. It was dusty as fuck under that house but I was too high to care. We waited and waited. It was quiet and all I could hear was my cousin’s loud ass breathing. “Could you maybe shut the fuck up? You sound like you have fucking asthma!” “She does have asthma!” my uncle yelled I guess it makes sense. You don’t want your lackeys tapping the source. It was boring as hell until I heard footsteps outside. The house was elevated so I could see the feet of the thing that was walking. Now, idk if I was high as fuck or if there were actual horse hooves. There were two of them so that was no normal hoarse. The little shit grabbed onto my arm. She began to mumble nonsense and I tried my best to understand her. He comes at night He’ll bring you fright You bring him hay He’ll stay away '' ''Not much he’ll say Just… '' '' “Just what? What are you autistic?” Before she could say it again the door was kicked in. It was loud as fuck and my uncle added to the noise by screaming. I looked up through the floorboards and was trying to make out what it looked like but it was too fucking dark. My uncle had some spare hay and tried to tame the beast but newsflash dumbass you can’t tame a beast with your dope ass weed but you could certainly tame me. Damn, that was good shit. I laid there for a bit as my uncle was trampled above us. You’ve yeed your last yaw old man. Blood started to drip through the floor. It was pretty gross and I was counting my fingers to pass the time. Finally, my cousin pulled on my sleeve to follow her to the trapdoor to her room. She grabbed her shotgun and said she was going to avenge her grandfather. Her hands were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, my uncle turned into spaghetti. She kicked down her door and faced the beast. I hid under her bed cause I aight gonna die to a weed overdose. She pointed her shotgun at him and fired. The gun pushed her back into the room but the beast came in with her. I watched as the beast devoured her and her screams filled the room. I looked at the creature as it dined upon the small child that I don’t remember the name of. It was just as she described it. Long face with red eyes. Maybe because it was a fucking horse. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Not like there were so many fucking clues that pointed at it being a horse. You got to be a fucking dumbass for not realizing it. Anyways I assumed this was nåye. Ngl he was overhyped. He’s just a fucking horse that devourers people if you don’t feed him. I don’t blame him. I would eat the person that regularly feeds me if they suddenly stopped. Granted I was the one who smoked his food but he ate my uncle and cousin so I’d say we’re even. But I still wondered what that poem meant. I get the rest of it I just don’t understand the last line. As I was thinking he stood up straight and gave out a victory cry for finishing his meal. Answering the question for me. He comes at night He’ll bring you fright You bring him hay He’ll stay away '' ''Not much he’ll say Just… . . n̴̢̛̝͈̟͆͑̂̉͟ě̵̗͖͎̩͈̫͎̦̇͒̎̎̑͘̚͠i̧͍͉͙̞̬̎̂̊̅̇̕͢͝͝ͅg̲͉̮͈̖̓̋̂͆͝͞h̷̢̧̛̻̻̲̩͓̗̥̗̄̀̾̂̅ . . I fell asleep under the bed and woke up to find that my high actually happened and my cousin and uncle are fucking dead. Cool. So, I packed my shit and rode a bus home. My parents are just going to have to deal with me fucking coming home a couple of weeks early. So, my summer was a fucking flop. But to be fair nåye kinda saved it from being a complete disaster. And I think he’s an inspiration to us all. And that’s the story of how I became a furry. Category:Animulz Category:Well, that was pointless. Category:Well, that was anticlimactic. Category:Satire Category:Retards Attempting Poetry Category:Potty Humor Category:Crappy ms paint drawings